February 17, 2015

Sunrises and Mile Markers ~

Way back when I was a fulltime  Mom  January would find me seriously analyzing myself, my goals, challenges and struggling to come up with plans and changes  to become more organized...structured as a wife but especially as the Mom of four- three boys, one daughter.

Now in this season of life I realize I was more organized and focused than I thought. Why do I think that?  In this season just yesterday passing the Mile Marker #17 [months] I am still awkwardly trying to figure out what to do with my days.  Oh, never fear, at this point I am more focused and stable, less insecure.

 The Challenges Were Real

For the first year alone I was shocked by the realities of this  alone life.  The insecurity was unreal! I had to get things right. I had to have plans. I could not jump and run and without thought, doing things routinely..grab and run without thinking because I had no backup.  If I locked myself out of the house I had no one inside or with another key. Ordinary, daily things
*If      this   openness makes you uncomfortable by all means move along and come back to visit LGH next month. By that time Spring will be in full swing and who knows what I'll be into by that time!! We might even have fun!

The Challenges Are Still Real
Those early weeks and months I condensed  these concerns into a brief expression of my needs,  heart cries. It went like this:

 For My Days:  Order-Purpose-Joy

I actually cried out to God: "What do I do with my days?"

Early on I knew I should not  make hurried decisions...choices.  I knew I didn't want to get in the "widows" line wearing a label that was uncomfortable to me.

 I was still married.  I am still married. 

I had to learn to be alone.  I'm  still apologizing for taking a table for 4 when there is only one..just me.  How strange.  I always said I enjoyed being alone.  That was then.  This is now..My new life-a different life.

You don't have time for every step and misstep so I'll try to be merciful and do some creative editing so I don't lose you the readers.

Months ago I was  whining, almost desperately  begging: "I want my old confidence back."

In recent weeks I've found myself responding quickly, confidently. "Yes, I can do that.  You can Count me in." at the front door of 2015 headed straight for that  mile marker #24 [two years].  It seems like such a long time getting to this point but I am here and I feel I've actually made progress.
My husband's Response To that would be:
That's Good. That's Good.

 I don't feel or think that way every day...or every hour of a good day but the fact that I can say that at all, is progress.

 That's Good.
That's Good.

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