June 24, 2014

Mile Marker #10 Under Construction, Still

There once was a time without a GPS,  Smart Phone Navigation and certainly  not "On Star'  

I also recall a time as an 18 year old just graduated from high school,  just married and driving alone from south Alabama to Virginia Beach, Virginia when a newly purchased never before used road map was the only guide that went along with me.  Informational road signs were not what they are in the 21st century either. Our interstate highway system was still  "under construction."

The past ten months [after August 18, 2013-10:30 p.m.} have been much like that for me: Under construction and without  clear direction~

I am so thankful no one in my close circle of family and friends pressed insisting they knew the exact step by step process or direction my new and different life should take. I shall be eternally grateful for loved ones allowing me [and each other] to 'be me' whatever that looks like.

I am at a different place  today. I still cannot draw you a picture of that. I just am. Let's just leave it there....for now.

I  still have difficulty going into a restaurant for dinner - alone.  Is everyone watching me?  It feels as if I do not have a right to be there ~ alone.  It  feels  that  way

Every thing I set out to do seems not quite right. Incomplete. Not finished. 
And for me ...[maybe for you] but for me the solutions just are not found in clustering with a group of women all dealing perhaps for many years with life alone. That's not a solution for me. I don't think I like the idea of waving a flag or carrying a sign to identify my new station in life.

Please  don't   tell me [again] that it will get easier. That sounds like looking forward and expecting to not hurt, remember or run smack into broken, helpless, pathetic, melt down moments, even  days. That sounds too much like  forgetting and I cannot accept that there will be a day when I forget my love of a lifetime....55 years.

I prefer to move on to yet another 'different' place..not new or better or less..., a different kind of days..life..perhaps a new normal.

 Contributors on Stringtownhome.net

1 comment:

  1. I don't think it will ever get easier... and, I think you're right - it shouldn't. But, I do think that the way that you've pressed forward is such an honor to the man that was the spiritual leader of your home. It's evident that you both found your strength in Jesus, and that you're left with the hope of reuniting. There is no step by step process, and shame on anyone who would think there is. I think you are doing a wonderful job with what you've been through, and I know a man who loved you deeply, who would be so proud of you!


This is intended to be an exchange of thoughts, recollections and ideas.
A note /comment from you Makes My Day- I would be honored to have you sign on as a FOLLOWER.