It Was A T. R. I. P.

Cruise Connections- Btm- left find me and my sister Gwen. Our new friends from Ohio are left to right: Debbie & Jenni

No Asphalt, No Concrete, No Glass or Steel-The whitest sands

My Own Walk....Continues

Indulge me please? This real life Blogger just put down her copy of  The Walk- Walking On Water after reading it again.  This last in The Walk series was released in May and of course I devoured it immediately upon receiving it in my mailbox. 

Since that first reading my own walk has taken me on a once in a lifetime trip with my dear one and only younger sister. We joined in where fiction and real life intersected on a cruise with 610 other readers stopping where the fictional Alan reached his goal walking from Seattle to Key West,Florida.

The fictional Alan was just steps away from his goal of Key West still without knowing the answer to the question: "What next?" 

That describes the spot in which I find myself at this point in time...on my Walk.  Somewhere in my mind  I have had a goal of reaching the one year mark..what I am calling mile markers.  That place would be Mile Marker 12...Twelve months past the night when my world changed..forever. That was August 18, 2013 at 10:30 p.m...Sunday night.

 Please don't ask me for coherent explanations here...I don't know what it is about 1 year.  Perhaps it's getting through and beyond-surviving all the Anniversaries [June 21, 1959] the birthdays, holidays and special family gatherings. Perhaps ~ I  don't  know.

So to make that feeble connection with Alan and his predicament, his journey, walk, goals I am saying I felt his pain..his indecision, insecurity, fears. I relived those last hours of my love's life and felt the feelings, shed the tears...again and again.

But since we are  mixing fiction and real life we must back track for this real life 'walker'/blogger.

My  life Walk came to a sudden screeching slow down, detour, take a new direction place the summer of 2012 as my silver fox and I heard the cold harsh diagnosis of Cancer...stage 4.  There  is something so drop dead freezing, stop in your tracks feeling as those simple, direct words: Stage 4.  It's Stage 4.

I wanted direct communication. My husband did too. Even today in my 'after life', I would have chosen more direct communication.

I had been reading, trying to educate myself. Mostly I think he had been pondering, meditating, praying, sorting out,.....and accepting.  I had examined the illustrations in the hospital and doctors' office walls...showing pictures of the stages. Still I was not ready for those words: Stage 4.

Still it was not spelled out with the clarity I needed. We were impressed with the first Oncologist we had. He was such a medical genius and any time we asked questions he would immediately back up and spell it out for us. The trouble is we did not always know the questions to ask.

He was so brilliant that indeed if my IQ had been 2 points less I could not have kept up with him..I was like a puppy hanging on for dear life to the tail gate of a speeding pick up truck.

Now as we can look back fitting the puzzle pieces of time, experiences and cancer details..we know now we had already used up a significant part of that 18 months.

To Read more... of my personal Walk: Let's Swing for the Trees

http://mygrammashouse.blogspot.com/2012/11/just-for-record-lets-swing-for-trees.html

Three months left

The Walk...my personal Walk- Continues. I do not have all the answers you can count on that. I do know where my faith is..I know that. I am sure of the God we serve [even in an unsure, unsteady world]  Our Faith has never been an issue. Those hard issues were settled long ago. I pray they are for you also.

How anyone would dare be so blind or arrogant to assume or choose to walk this walk without this God I serve is beyond me.  

Even on the worst of days during the years since we met in May of 1958/married June 21, 1959, there has never been a day I wanted to be anywhere else other than with my love. And likewise, even on the darkest of days I would not want to be walking this journey alone without the Saviour ..the giver of Life, Breath and Salvation who sustains me/us.

June In Bloom

Coming Home after being away for a while can be really interesting. A few new limbs scatter about the open spaces in the back yard, the evidence of a little wind along with regular afternoon showers.

A handful of ripe tomatoes..from my lone two tomato plants. Just enough. It works for me.

And how nice it is that the figs have waited to ripen. I feared they had begun to ripen and the birds would get to them before me. It looks like I have plenty of time to gather the entire harvest and maybe get some fig preserves in jars this year. We talked about it last summer. I knew my sweetheart would not be up to his usual jelly and jam making and presented the idea of making him the supervisor while I did the canning project. These roles had been reversed many years ago. It was not to be. We had even less time left than had been thought. The birds enjoyed our figs last summer.

 

June In Bloom

The Trumpet plants are beginning to show off their unique flowering and the  orange day lilies are popping out as is the humming bird vines and the white yarrow I started from our non resident neighbor friend Dustin's yard. It's a good start. I do hope it thrives.Yarrow is such a perfect filler for arrangements cut from one's own yard. 

Did I mention that the blue hydrangea while only 3 great bushes are so loaded down with beautiful blooms and so many of them are at the perfect stage for cutting if they are to be dried for use nearly all year long indoors...another kind of beauty-dried flowers.

Sitting on the front porch I am seeing yet another 'blooming surprise' the Red Crepe Myrtle is starting to break out in it's own unique glory..that's my favorite crepe myrtle color.

June In Bloom

Mile Marker #10 Under Construction, Still

There once was a time without a GPS,  Smart Phone Navigation and certainly  not "On Star'  

I also recall a time as an 18 year old just graduated from high school,  just married and driving alone from south Alabama to Virginia Beach, Virginia when a newly purchased never before used road map was the only guide that went along with me.  Informational road signs were not what they are in the 21st century either. Our interstate highway system was still  "under construction."

The past ten months [after August 18, 2013-10:30 p.m.} have been much like that for me: Under construction and without  clear direction~

I am so thankful no one in my close circle of family and friends pressed insisting they knew the exact step by step process or direction my new and different life should take. I shall be eternally grateful for loved ones allowing me [and each other] to 'be me' whatever that looks like.

I am at a different place  today. I still cannot draw you a picture of that. I just am. Let's just leave it there....for now.

I  still have difficulty going into a restaurant for dinner - alone.  Is everyone watching me?  It feels as if I do not have a right to be there ~ alone.  It  feels  that  way

Every thing I set out to do seems not quite right. Incomplete. Not finished. 
And for me ...[maybe for you] but for me the solutions just are not found in clustering with a group of women all dealing perhaps for many years with life alone. That's not a solution for me. I don't think I like the idea of waving a flag or carrying a sign to identify my new station in life.


Please  don't   tell me [again] that it will get easier. That sounds like looking forward and expecting to not hurt, remember or run smack into broken, helpless, pathetic, melt down moments, even  days. That sounds too much like  forgetting and I cannot accept that there will be a day when I forget my love of a lifetime....55 years.

I prefer to move on to yet another 'different' place..not new or better or less..., a different kind of days..life..perhaps a new normal.


 

When I Was Young-

When I was young people offered advice concerning life and such.  Wonder of wonders much if not all their shared wisdom turns out to have been  useful, true and worthwhile.

• One of my first adult  Christian friends advised:  Always make up your bed no matter what else you may NOT get done each day. If your bed is nicely made the little forgotten chores are not such stand outs.
• The same friend advised me as a new Mother :  After coming home from the hospital don't get dressed in street clothes right away.  As soon as you do everyone will stop helping you. You don't appear to need the extra attention or assist.
• Many adults offered:  When relocating to a new community/town the first thing you should do is to find a CHURCH you can attend. You may not settle on this one but it will get you off on the right foot.
• Again Many adults chimed in saying:  These little ones won't be babies for long-they'll be out and about & out of reach before you know it!
• Others went on to say:  Prioritize- your marriage has to come first, then the Children. If you don't take care of the marriage there won't be a stable family/home for the Children.

There were many more words of wisdom but we'll stop for now with these 5 memorable while I still have your attention. I would love to hear what memorable words you have cherished over the years. Leave me a note.
~Jonell

Honoring Our Fathers, Dads, Pop or Daddy~

Honorable, God fearing, Provider, Protector & a Gentleman

After All The Mother's Day Celebrations Are History...[That would be May 12th this year]

Are you ready for this? I do it every year. When all the special Mother's Day gatherings, gifting, sweet notes and special privilege is behind us I always jump up on my 'soap box' and basically rant just a bit about Father's Day.  Oh really..just a bit. And no one notices.
 

Why do we not make the same big fuss about honoring our Fathers on what we call Father's Day? Do we not understand collectively the crucial role these men play in our families?

Tell me about that unique man you call your Father, Dad, Pop, Daddy. All you need do is click on COMMENT, leave your thoughts and we will share with our small world of Bloggers.