Looking Back While Trying ~ To Move Forward~

May 2013

As long as I breathe  my Love ~
I will look at this world for both of us.

As long as I can,
I will TAKE PICTURES AND COUNT  the birds.
I will plant, prune, gather and dry the roses.  

 I will gaze up at the night skies

and marvel at  the stars

for both of us,
As we did together.

As long as I breathe,
I will continue to soak up Creation around me..
for both of us,
as we did together.

I will continue to gather the naturals in the ditches and woods as the seasons produce wonderful specimens for  decorating and remember how you always tolerated it [until  you understood]  at the beginning of Fall.

I  will remember how I  always reminded you to  be on the lookout for  sweet gum branches or perrrrfect small pine cones or gnarly branches. At Easter I reminded you  to hunt for the branches with thorns for a GUM DROP TREE.  [or was that Christmastime? ]

Remember the  lichen I peeled from fallen rotting trees by the creek? And the remnants or  layers of  almost completely rotten trees? They might be called "driftwood wannabees."  It's what you settle for when you live nowhere near the beach.  Long ago you would ask "What in the world do you want with that?" Over time you saw the unique one of a kind  creations they came to be and stopped asking.  I suspect you were even proud of my strange creativity. You must have bragged about it...considering the things your work friends would save and send home to me...hornets nests, huge acorns and pink, rose shaped  rocks from Colorado.

You were always willing to tackle anything. .if someone else had done it you could learn to and when we became farmers for a decade we worked so hard together and had such  a full rewarding life..you taught me so much.  I learned the value of very basic tools.  I am so impressed with what one can accomplish with pulleys, levers, ropes and 'a come along.'

In another era you would have been a FARMER....AND STILL FURTHER BACK IN  TIME YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN THE Pioneer people tell stories about.  I've  loved observing that you spent your days gathering information ...but never  compelled to impress the world with how much you had stored away...not even family.

I learned from you that our culture needs today to learn anew  words and traits like:  Honor, Respect, Submission, Obey,  God Fearing, and  Gentleman.  You mirrored those traits for not only our children but anyone else who was perceptive.

I always admired that you never learned pretentious, flowery prayers.  I don't think I ever  saw you intimidated by wealth or one's  station in life.  Some might have thought at times you were racist or prejudiced however I have never known you to treat anyone differently or badly based on the color of their skin. You did have zero tolerance for people who backed away from responsibility but that

had nothing to do with race.

When I am alone I will sit and remember [or read, or cry or pray] in my beautiful wisteria arbor..another labor love from you for me.  Even though I had it on your honey do list for about 5 years  you set out to get it done after the cancer diagnosis last year .another in a long list of  'a labor of love' from my silver fox.  I always  knew it would get done...in your own time. And, by the way, I did notice when you planted the additional Knockout Rose bushes this past spring..especially the one over by the wisteria arbor. I knew what you were doing.

I will swing in the back yard swing you built -

and remember the last talks we had there

I will hide out alone on the deck. 

And on the front porch I will  cry my heart out,

again and again

 as I glance over at your Rocking Chair.

I  will remember the day  we tried to sit for Ursula to take pictures -in the back yard swing. It was just too hard.  We were not prepared for that. It was not possible to hide the pain and emotion from our faces. I so hate those pictures..they break my heart all over again.  We did better the next day with the whole family there. You endured by your own choice a long hard day with company ...then at night whispered as you slipped into the bed ..  "It was a good day. It was a good day."

 



I cannot even imagine how our four children would have turned out had they been raised only by a loving mother...and without the balance, the strength, steadiness and wisdom of the God fearing Dad and devoted husband you were.  That 's what God intended family and marriage to be.

We had months to talk about our feelings, our fears..our life, our wonderful life. We covered it  all those mornings on the front porch.  So many prayers, tears. I don't have to speculate about what you would want me to do, how you would want me to live without you. I know. You want me to go on with life and not grieve forever. I never made any promises there.

Oh, that someone could show me how to ORDER  MY DAYS

 in what is now a different and new world..

a world

without the rest of myself.



As long as I can, my Love~
I will look at this world for both of us.

As long as I can,
I will TAKE PICTURES ...
AND COUNT  the birds.
I will plant, prune, gather and dry the roses.  

 I will gaze up at the night skies

and marvel at  the stars

for both of us,
As we did together.

As long as I can,
I will continue to soak up Creation around me..
for both of us,
as we did together

....for both of us


Later, My Love ~ jh /2013